Ascension Insights for the New Moon in Pisces 2022
** CW: brief, non-graphic mention of r*pe**
As we move through this Ascension Portal between Equinox and Eclipses, I want to share some Insights I’ve been having.
What’s coming up for me is the reminder that the Journey (11:11) is imperative. The process matters. For if it weren’t for the process, we wouldn’t have the end result. The process is actually all that there is, and when we get to our destination, we will need all the Knowledge we acquired along the way in order to really make the most of it.
Another thing: there is no “destination”. There is no “end”. We live in an infinite Universe that is ever expanding. All ends are new beginnings. Transitions.
With that said…
I used to have a really black-or-white, either-or perception of the world. It took many years to recognize that it wasn’t necessarily others that needed to change; I was the one who needed to completely reconfigure my belief systems.
It then took even more years to find the balanced center between the pendulum swing. From hedonism & spiritual bankruptcy to practicing a strict, stringent moral code I swung.
Each time I hit the wall on the other extreme was painful and as I swung to the other end, I struggled violently against the force of gravity carrying me to exactly where I needed to go — the inevitable.
I worked myself ragged to attain some semblance of control and, like attempting to grasp smoke in my bare hands, this illusion alluded me.
I was hard headed. I couldn’t believe that I — such a powerful person — didn’t have the power to make people see what I wanted them to see, feel how I wanted them to feel, do what I wanted them to do.
If it sounds insidious, it was. For me, it was a trauma response. I saw power as control, and having been disempowered all throughout my life, I felt I could only have power by controlling others.
However, it wasn’t that I wanted to harm anyone else with this power. I simply thought that if I had the control, everything would go my way which obviously was the RIGHT way. I saw control as a way to protect myself from more harm. Ultimately my inability to humbly surrender to the Flow of the Universe ended up causing more harm to myself and others.
I say this all to say, the swing of the pendulum is the space between breaths. It is the I AM presence that pervades all existence.
I remember when I started this specific leg of my Journey. I wanted to be better and I wanted to be free. There was so much weighing me down, and I really had no idea just how much it was or the specifics of what it was.
I prayed Psalm 91 to remove r*pe energy and the Process began working in me immediately.
I had this excruciating pain in my neck and started coughing up phlegm — it was my throat chakra clearing. I realized that r*pe — at its core— is anytime anyone exerts their will over you to rob you of your energy.
Power grabs, people had worked to silence me, so this made sense, but not for nothing, there was also a LOT of sacral chakra and womb clearing that manifested in me unintentionally being celibate since 2018.
I started telling the truth then. I didn’t know how to be a Truth Teller because I had spent so much of my life lying. Lying about my feelings, lying about my likes and dislikes, lying about who I was and what I wanted. Mainly I was lying to myself.
And I don’t mean that I fabricated complete falsities. I told half truths and lies of omission. I thought I was being so expositional because I spoke of my trauma openly but in truth, 99% of who I truly was and am was carefully hidden and dutifully guarded by behaviors that we refer to as trauma responses but also can be called character defenses.
Anyone who got too close, I pushed away. And if I felt particularly triggered, I lashed out. I didn’t know how to be with myself nor did I know how to be with others. I didn’t want to be seen. I didn’t want to be known. I wanted the world to accept the mask I was giving, and I wondered why I was so unhappy about what I was getting back. Of course it didn’t fulfill me — it wasn’t really what I wanted!
From a life mainly lived in shadows to a life lived in the Light of the Spirit, it has been a rigorous undertaking to be able to find a workable balance. I didn’t understand that some things were better left unsaid and that sometimes forcing an exposition caused more harm than help. I didn’t realize that I was perpetuating the trauma cycle I had been inculcated into through trying to force my will.
In my desperation to make right all the wrongs I perceived in myself (whether by dogma or by karma), I adopted a ridiculous Code of Conduct that I thought heroic. It was largely informed by the Law of Attraction — that my energy would attract like energy.
I wanted to be happy and harmonious. I wanted to be understood and appreciated. I wanted to share my experiences and hold space for others so that our stories may be honored. But actually, I became a doormat. I let people drain my energy by forcing me to do emotional labor. I became resentful and angry. Instead of practicing passive aggression, I would hold in my anger until I reached a boiling point in which I would explode and destroy everything around me.
I had no idea how much poison I was holding onto. How much pain and rage I was embodying. I had no idea what to do with it, but Spirit did. With that prayer — Psalm 91– I began an arduous, life changing Process of Shadow Work that I truly never expected.
It came out, alright. At first in bursts that I couldn’t really control because I still didn’t know how to express myself — I was afraid of my own Voice because for so long using it would result in persecution and punishment. I was afraid of being mySelf, my True Self for the same reasons.
I don’t know what I thought would happen, but the transformation that has occurred in my life has effectively removed that r*pe energy, that is to say the forced concession of my agency and Power by others.
I was unmasked and laid bare time and again. I lost friends. I got California sober. I got sober sober. I made friends. I threaded in and out of Love. I moved across the country and back again.
I resisted the Lessons, I resisted the surrender but none of us can outrun Spirit— only work ourselves ragged trying. Humility struck me. And in that unmasking, I learnt about true vulnerability. I learnt about true Integrity. I learnt how to handle the Truth, both receiving and giving.
And as much as I’ve learnt, I’m still learning. And I’m still unlearning. I’m unlearning resentment. I’m unlearning vengeance. I’m unlearning wrath. I’m unlearning paranoia. I’m unlearning everything that trauma seeded in me, and that Process is scary. I get thrust into the Unknown and I’ve been programmed to expect the worst. But I’m unlearning that, too.
Some things I learnt (and in as much unlearnt) as I wrestled with God/dess is that:
• Integrity is not a strict set of rules you can apply to every situation. It is standing in your Truth in all that you do, and that is very circumstantial. However, it is important to Know yourSelf and what you’re about. What do you stand for? Live in that place and you will instinctively know how to show up in the world.
• What’s normal to the fly may well be chaos to the spider. It’s about what’s right for YOU because nobody else is living your life. To that end, other people’s opinions do not matter and are not a solid foundation to build a life upon. You will always be chasing something that is ever changing and not centered on you, and that’s a waste of time & energy
• Treating others how you want to be treated is highly overrated. Treat YOURSELF as you want to be treated.“Kill them with kindness” “you get back what you put out” all that is just a way of manipulating others to your will. That transactional lifestyle never works. You get what you give, sure, but you can’t give away what you don’t have. If you’re not treating yourself with respect and honor, you will keep inviting those situations in AND CHOOSING THEM. Which brings me to my next point…
• Honor people’s actions. Subconscious or not, it’s impact > intention over here. If they did it, they meant to do it. Period. It doesn’t matter why they did it. It doesn’t matter their internal process, it doesn’t matter what they’ve been through or are going through now. This is primarily about repeated behaviors and patterns, not necessarily one-off situations. This brings us to…
• Standards! Have standards and structures that are not brick walls but malleable thresholds that you can shift given circumstance. That is to say, what are your hard no’s and yes’s? What are your soft no’s and yes’s? The reason they have to be malleable is because maybe we are aware of maybe 1% of what exists. What percentage of 1% is a hard boundary and what percentage is a soft one? That means we don’t know 99% of what exists, so when we get there, we will be able to figure out how we feel about it. As for now, that’s the unknown and that’s why we must remain flexible in our internal structures
• Forgiveness will save your life. It’s not about the other person, it’s about the energy wasted on harboring and fostering resentments. Why cultivate wounds, pain, and lack when you can cultivate love, joy, and light? Forgiving doesn’t mean that they don’t have to be accountable to their actions. It doesn’t mean condoning misconduct. It doesn’t even mean letting them back into your life. It means not allowing it to control YOU.
• Other people’s lives are not our business. Even if they want to make it our business, it’s really not. It’s not worth the energy expended to over-involve ourselves in what other people have going on. We can still be present and supportive for our loved ones without taking on their spiritual and emotional burden and internalizing it as our own. You can’t change anyone but yourself. You can’t control anything but your own actions — not even your feelings or internal responses. Just your actions.
• Don’t mistake trauma bonding for intimacy. Some people are just looking for a host to feed on. The trauma you’re working to heal and reIntegrate is not a stable foundation upon which to build a relationship on. If they’re living in Solution and actively working towards healing, it may be mutually beneficial. If not, it sounds codependent and it’s giving energy vampire.
• Be present in your experience. Listen to your Intuition. Check in with yourself. Trust yourself. If for some reason you feel you can’t, figure out why. Do the Shadow Work, and when you figure it out, stop doing the thing that’s keeping you from being able to trust yourself.
• You deserve to be at peace. You deserve joy. You deserve fulfillment. You deserve all of the beautiful things in life. It’s your responsibility to give those things to yourself — not anyone else’s. Take care of your life and let the rest fall into place.
Whew. That’s like… a lifetime's worth of Shadow Work right there.
It took a long time to find balance, and it’s something I’m still finding. Like I said, there’s no finite end to this work. But there are glow ups. We can level up. Ascension does happen. And it’s happening now.
In between the pendulum swing, that’s where I find my Higher Power. That is the space of the unknown. That is the space of flux. And that can feel extremely uncomfortable, disquieting, scary. But I have learnt to trust that Force of Nature.
I have learnt to trust that Gravitational Pull. Because on the other side of this Journey, I have found something that is beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I have found true Power. And it doesn’t look like control. It looks like surrender. It looks like acceptance. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
This is a Process of Becoming. This is a Process of Being. This is a Process of Love, and I’m here for it.