Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones But Angels Protect Me, and You Can’t Break Me: A Strongly Worded Open Letter for All, Directed at None

***CONTENT WARNING: sexual assault, racism, emotional & psychological abuse, global humanitarian crises*** 

This past weekend, I was racially attacked verbally by someone I thought was my friend. I came to find that they had been harboring hateful racial stereotypes about Black women and projecting them onto me silently, mounting disdain whilst I actively attempted to empower and encourage them. It was hardly the first time this year that I was met w unwarranted emotional violence against me by so-called friends, but it was the most virulent. There had been red flags that I had bypassed in the name of forgiveness, compassion, and understanding bc I saw my past Selves in them (ignorant, sad, sick in mind and spirit for I too used to be an ingrate and sometimes still am)— this I take accountability for. While I still cling to the aforementioned tenants steadfastly, I am now emboldened in my self-sovereignty and therein my boundaries. Forgiveness is a given but the space for such indiscretions has been destroyed through ego death after ego death, thank Goddess in whose Power I am transformed and empowered. 

This year I came to realize that I suffer from C-PTSD & agoraphobia due to the myriad abuses & traumas I’ve suffered throughout my life. I was only able to receive this understanding of myself when it became so glaringly obvious that it was stopping me from performing at the level of which I know myself capable because it had become agonizing. As I spiraled into despair, I actively expressed to those around me time and again my trials, needs, wants, & boundaries. Instead of serving as the support system I thought I was founding, throughout the course of the year I was met with trigger after trigger. My mental & emotional health continued to deteriorate. Despite my very clear and quite literal cries for help, I was constantly gaslit, ignored, and exploited for emotional & spiritual labor. At my lowest point, I was experiencing daily emotional breakdowns and regular panic attacks. In my very recent mental health crisis, I was antagonized by people I had trusted w my Truth. I will admit that I had not always been so forthright, vocal, & honest w those around me, but these practices in authenticity & vulnerability have been necessary. They have given me the ability to take pride in myself that is now indispensable. My past and sometimes current inability to advocate for myself are my own discretions— ones that I now refuse to repeat. I give thanks for this awareness that has birthed a new iteration of mySelf in respect & love. 

In the past year plus, I was sexually harassed and emotionally abused by someone I considered to be one of my best friends— someone who knew that I had been sexually assaulted multiple times and was in the process of healing. I was made subject to their lasciviousness constantly, and circumstances made it impossible to escape without major and expensive life changes that I could not afford. Few people I told about this seemed to take it seriously, proving once again that I was not effectively trusting my Intuition as to who was on my side and who was not. Prior to that, I had to end a four year friendship because the other party was manipulative and abusive so much so that I broke down in tears on the street at the thought of interacting with them, not just to me but to other friends as well. These are not the only instances of hateful acts— I had boundaries completely obliterated time and again, I was violated on every level, I was taken advantage of repeatedly. I had served as a safe space for countless others in this time, yet could find so few. I wondered, if the Universe is a mirror then what was I doing to attract this? 

I see now that I have been too lenient for fear of being seen as “angry” & “scary”, or characterized as “irrational” or “mean”. I held my tongue bc I know that as a tall, dark-skinned Black woman, expressing my dissent for my own mistreatment is generally framed as my being violent. This method was madness bc regardless of my kindness, I have still been met with abuse. I have given of myself until I was literally sick, yet that was not enough. This was my own foolishness and I hold myself accountable for overextending myself in this way. Yes, previous experiences of life-long abuse by narcissists made me a ready target for such treatment— you can ask my past partners about that. But I no longer have any excuse for abiding such treatment should I truly not desire it as I say that I do not. I realize that my deep-rooted fear of rejection and abandonment has cut me off from engendering my true power, but in this realization I am reminded that anyone who leaves me for expressing my Highest Truth was never meant for me to begin with.

To have been painted as “entitled” by those I did the most for, giving so much of myself and asking for nothing but perhaps appreciation and respect in return when I was handed NOTHING in life and have worked my ass off my entire life to get where I have gotten, despite constant and sustained objection... it has been a rude awakening. Apparently demanding basic human rights and respect such as agency and autonomy over mySelf is somehow entitled. Seeing mySelf in all of my glory after years of hating myself equates to pomposity. I guess people liked me better when I was dirt poor, housing insecure, food insecure, and attempting slow suicide through substance abuse— at least then I wasn’t a threat to their fragile egos. Misery loves company and most of those addicted to their toxic narratives of victimhood cannot stand to see anyone around them make attempts to progress and heal as it is a reminder of the work that they are unwilling to do. 

I wanted so badly to be seen as the “good person”, but in truth, there is no “good” or “bad”. There is, however, that which is ethical in this paradigm & that which reflects such integrity. There is no glory to be found in martyrdom. No, I am not a “good person”, but I do my absolute best and that’s all anyone can really ask for. I felt if I showed up as my best Self and stayed the course of said integrity as best I could, that would be enough to deflect attacks on my person & bring me peace. I’ve since found that I was wrong— in fact, I think it’s made the attacks more frequent. It is not enough to stand firm in your Integrity. No, we must also beat back against all those who wish to un-Earth us as they themselves thrash aimlessly in a sea of chaos and flimsy moral fibre. 

People see and hear what they want to see and hear, and usually it is some manifestation of illusion that befits their victim narrative. I have told the story of my origins as well as the vile happenstances that have befallen me over the course of my life so many times, I’m damn tired of telling it. I don’t need to justify my existence any longer, nor will I. It is not my job to convey the obvious truth of human rights & decency to any single individual, nor is it to serve as anyone’s emotional punching bag or toxic waste bin. It is my will to use my gifts & platform to educate en masse for liberation of all living beings on this divine celestial body called Earth, and in as much, it is a privilege to have access to me on a personal level at all. I understand that I am the one who dishonored mySelf and my precious & invaluable energy by making myself overly accessible. I was overly generous— a Sagittarian curse I am actively breaking— because I was desperate for validation and I feared retribution. I had forgotten that as long as I live, I am valid and perfect in the essence of who I am. Erecting and holding boundaries is indicative of the awareness of my worthiness for life, liberty, and the pursuit of my True Vision of Happiness. The Lessons that rode in on the tidal wave of this, the Year of Heart-Healing beat me into submission; now I know better. Now I will do better. For this, I am eternally ingratiated to Spirit. 

Too long now I’ve yielded to my social fears and allowed dishonor & disrespect towards my person; “if they go low, I must continue to remain high”. This ends today. I will no longer abide the flagrant disregard for my boundaries nor will I tolerate the ill-conceived, self-obsessed projections of others. What about me standing fully in my power & acting with respect towards mySelf agitates your spirit so much that you should tear me down in my sincere efforts to foster unity, justice, & peace not solely for myself but for all of us— you included? To put it simply, fear. Fear of what it says about you, when in truth it says nothing about you. Conversely, the violent reactions do and they speak to an innate sense of disempowerment & self-loathing. This is the proverbial Devil’s work and in the spirit of Eris, I will no longer be deterred from my Mission in this life simply bc others are unaware or afraid of their own Power. Get a grip. 

This isn’t to say that I have gone it alone and achieved everything without the help of others. I see a lot of people talking about community and sisterhood who haven’t a clue what that is or how it’s practiced. I am nothing without the strength & support of my community, my sisters for whom I am truly blessed. In my darkest times, these people provided me with so much Light when I had forgotten my own. When I was weak, scared, confused, lost, these people reminded me to hold fast to faith, if in nobody else, in mySelf. Oftentimes, these people were the only ones who knew the full gravity and intensity of the Journey that I’ve been on. Anything short of that kind of support is not sisterhood, nor would I even refer to it as friendship— it’s merely genial interaction. If your standards are so low as to who you call your friend, I assure you that you will cycle through unfulfilling relationship after unfulfilling relationship until you find yourself exhausted, empty, & exasperated, just as I did. 

Ultimately, what this is to say is that I haven’t the time to attend to other people’s disparities of Self that are caused by damaged egos as it is obviously my endeavor to change this world (which is burning all around us) for the better and stop the myriad human rights and environmental abuses driving our race to extinction. I have no room in my life for the pathetic preoccupations of those people so positioned in toxicity and fixed on minding the businesses of anyone but themselves that they stumble through life without intention or direction, consumed with preposterous fallacies of fulfillment and blinded by their addiction to self-deprecation & their own destruction. If you think I have the desire to participate in mundane melodramas crafted from the boredom of an idle mind, you’re sadly mistaken. Nobody is entitled to any part of me, nor I them. It is clear to me that all too few people understand anything about consent, something I had an untenable grasp on for an unfortunate duration of time. Now that I am fully aware of what consent means in any given situation, should anyone attempt to act upon me without it, they will be eviscerated— believe me when I say that it won’t be pretty. Lack of reciprocity will be stamped out. If you disrespect me, you will be cut off and blocked in all capacities immediately. Pray that before that happens, I do not give you a piece of my mind because at that point only prayer can help you. I won’t repeat myself again, so hear it now. Nobody is exempt from this or beyond reproach. 

Sexism, ableism, ageism, racism, classism, elitism, homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, misandry, and any other form of ignorance and hate will not be tolerated. Pettiness, drama, manipulation, abuse, and any other lowly form of interaction will not be tolerated. I will not tolerate it from myself and I expect to be held accountable, just as I won’t tolerate it from those around me and will hold everyone else in my sphere accountable. Be forewarned: if this upsets you, then you should unfollow me online and IRL. Either heal or leave. The choice is yours and while I would prefer the former, I’m truly fine with either. Test me if you dare but know that I take pleasure in the removal of anyone not aligned w my ethos & action from my life; if you are not with me, you’re a distraction. 

The situation here on Earth is dire; there is no more time for tomfoolery. As we speak, nearly 383,000 gallons of oil has leaked from the Keystone Pipeline in Standing Rock, North Dakota; Flint, Michigan still does not have potable drinking water; the bees are still rapidly dying due to 5G radiation; human trafficking is a humanitarian crisis; the Amazon Rainforest and its indigenous inhabitants are under attack; genocide is being committed against Black and indigenous peoples the world over; class warfare grows ever more present; our water supply is being poisoned by toxic waste, fracking, and pollution; the government is ran by a cabal of bloodthirsty, pedophilic psychopaths; and if you want to argue this with me— go read a fucking book! There is no time for the trifling affairs of common life, nor is there any excuse for as to why any of us with access to the information we have readily at our fingertips are sitting around twiddling our thumbs and taking out our own sense of collective despair on one another. Life as we know it is being robbed of us and it is time to stop with the diversion that I shall equate to mass delusion and get fucking real. This is not a drill, this is not a joke — the devastation and human toll of ignoring what is going on in lieu of trivial pursuits is mass suicide which I refuse to play into. It is time to get real!

This is a revolutionary space so understand that I am not nor will I ever again serve as a safe haven for social, institutional, emotional, psychological, professional, physical, or any other form of violence against myself or anyone else— covert & passive or directly aggressive alike. In fact, the insidious nature of micro-aggressions is even more abominable to me as it implies cowardice and therein a duplicitous & traitorous nature. Know that while I attempt to not hold anyone in contempt, I will not deny the lack of respect and obvious disgust it invokes in me as I am but human. If you have something to say, you say it to my face or choke back that caustic bile before your salacious utterances are shoved back down your slippery gullet. You will be brought to task effectively, and if you’ve never seen me breathe fire or slice through injustice with my platinum-pointed tongue, you will not find it pleasant. People seem to have forgotten that; it’s time I help them remember. 

I look to my community now as always for support in my demand for equity & justice. The options as it stands are join me in this reclamation of our collective power or move out of my way. There exists no in-between. I did not incarnate here in this time to fool around with conflicts that are massively insignificant and rooted in nothing more than egomania bordering on sociopathy. I’ve been living on my own since I was 19, working my ass off much much longer, so understand that I am dependent on nobody to get what I’ve got. I’m grown.  So for your own sake, I caution you to miss me with that co-dependent bullshit. Talk to me nice & with goddamn respect or don’t talk to me at all. And should you be so simple-minded as to hazard the question, “who do they think they are”, I’ll tell you— I’m Vei motherfucking Darling. Who the fuck are you? Figure that out before you ever fix your mouth to say you’re going to step to me. Happy end of Mercury Retrograde. Peace ☆