Growing Up and Getting Real: An Essay on Vulnerability, Recovery, Healing, and Becoming Self-Sovereign

TRIGGER WARNING: I speak openly about my experiences of abuse and mental illness, including depression and suicide. I do not explicitly mention forms of assault or trauma, but if that’s something you’re sensitive to, you are forewarned

I’m going to make this point because I’ve come up against this situation in the past: me living in my Truth means living with the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. That’s the only way to live in Truth, because that’s the nature of reality — sometimes Good, sometimes Bad, sometimes Ugly. I accept this, and for this reason I will not have my Truth weaponized against me.

Nobody is perfect, and I’m not pretending to be. I’m not here to be liked, I’m here to be real and to create powerful works of art that get to the heart of my human experience in order to create relatable content and media that others who need to resonate with somebody, anybody can perhaps find that safety within me. I know this intimidates people, especially people who are living lies themselves, but that’s their problem — not mine.

I am an expositional creator because I think that art that is not heartfelt, that is not saying something powerful and important is a waste of *my* time. I think that such art is, suffice it to say, bad. Perhaps you disagree— which is allowed— but for me, it is true. I want to speak to the human experience as I know it, so I tell the truth about whatever I’m experiencing. I have not always done this with the purest intentions, and I hope that by shifting out of that subversively malicious place, I can atone for such lack of emotional maturation. I have some reasons for that, which I will touch upon later.

I have been invested in spirituality, mysticism, and esoterica my entire life however I started my healing practice in 2011 — the summer before I started my senior year of high school. It started with going to the Landmark Forum with my sister for their closing night and hearing for the first time that I had power. 

Imagine that. Me! Powerful! Deep down somewhere within me, I knew I was but consciously, I had never thought of myself as having power because I had always been having it wrested from me. Because that’s what narcissists do — they fill up their power by forcing you to give them yours through various means of coercion, manipulation, and violence.

Now here’s an important place to pause: I am very clear on the fact that I have a long history of being abused physically, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually. There are a couple of reasons why. 

I used to be clear with this with people because I hoped that it would let them know, “hey, I’m fragile. Please be careful with me.” Those were calls to action. But before I even understood how fragile I was— and still am—, it was because I needed to connect with others with similar experiences to affirm that I was not alone in it and that I was not crazy. Those were cries for help. Now it is to do that for other people and provide that space I so desperately needed. 

Back to 2011. Something broke open within me at that time, and it set me on a trajectory that would start my healing journey. My sister and I listened to The Secret and 48 Laws of Power as books on tape in the car; we really wanted to get well. And I began using the Law of Attraction in my life — I was 16 years old. 

I say this to qualify that while some people are recently starting their healing journey, diving into various modalities, becoming interested in mental health — I am not. I have a decade of Work on my belt, a lifetime of fighting for my life and fighting for my Power.

I say this all to say that at this stage of my life, I won’t have that hard won Power taken away from me again — or I suppose, more precisely, I will not be giving my Power away so freely again. 

See, there is Power in vulnerability. In fact there’s really no power in being unyielding in a Universe that’s very nature is flux. There is Power in Truth & Integrity, and in fact, it’s the only true seat of Power. It is the only way to live a life you love because vulnerability is the only way to experience love. Being open to receiving is the only way to receive. It’s really not as complicated as people like to make it, but that’s their fear talking.

I know, because I’ve been that person. I’ve been saying this a lot lately, and though in soft sciences like sociology, perhaps anecdotal evidence is not necessarily appreciated, I’m not really a sociologist. I’m just a person doing their best to heal themselves and provide a blueprint for others to do the same. That aside, though, I do have facts and statistics to back the things that I speak about. I identify with the things I talk about because otherwise, I really have no business talking about them. And they effect me deeply, so I want to talk about them.

For those struggling with having their vulnerability criticized — we do not have to allow ourselves to be silenced. You sharing your truth creates an opportunity for the person who has been through or is currently going through the same thing to connect, and we humans need connection. We need support. We need community. It is foundational to our existence as primates and social animals.

I share my Truth because I know the powerful, life-changing magick that comes from doing so. I know the reset that happens in my world when I speak from the heart, and I know the opportunities that are presented — portals to the life I actually want to live. I have to have the courage to step through them. I have to have the willingness to do what it takes to leave the old world of abuse, trauma, shame, fear behind. Because while I may speak about my past hurts, I also always speak of the solution. I also always speak of the Light that always exists, even in the Dark.

And the Darkness is sacred, too. It’s not a punishment to exist in the Dark — it simply is what it is. And those of us who are Beings of Light, we often exist in awfully dark spaces because that’s where we are most necessary so that we can spark more Light. But not being honest does not give any of us the opportunity to shine our Light, it in fact dims it. That is how we acquiesce our Power. And over time, our shadow starts to take over. And our lives start to become toxic and overrun with (our own) demons. That’s what happens when we do not live in our Truth. That’s what happens when we do not actualize our Truth. That’s what happens when we let fear guide our decisions and choices.

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE 

When I share so deeply about who I am and what I’ve been through, it’s so that I can help people who are like me at various stages of my life. 

It’s so that they know they’re not alone, there is a solution, and it can get better— if they do the Work. 

It’s so that the suicidal teenager  desperate to not end their own life but unable to bear continuing to live the life they’ve been living can know that there is a solution, and it can get better — if they do the Work.

It’s so that the alcoholic teenager who parties 3-5 nights out of the week to numb the thoroughgoing pain, shame, and loneliness knows that there is a different way, one that works, and that it can get better — if they’re willing to do the Work. 

It’s so the queer teenager who has no words and no examples of how to be who they are, who feels afraid & desperately alone knows that they are not and that they can live in their Truth, find love, and be accepted for who they are — if they’re willing to do the Work. 

It’s for the ones who can relate to where I’ve been, how I got there, what I’ve done, and why I did it. 

It’s so they know that their life is worth living and that something incredibly beautiful and unbelievably powerful can come from that pain, that trauma, that heartbreak.

The Work is unavoidable and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to get out of it — not in this life nor the next. I didn’t know that back when I was a suicidal teenager. So I turned to a dangerous lifestyle that almost cost me my life on more than one occasion. But had I known that there was another way… maybe I wouldn’t have had to experience some of the things I did. And because I believe in leading by example and being honest, I’m willing to put my “reputation” on the line in order to be that beacon of Light for others like me.

It took me ten years to get to this point. It took me ten years of arduous spiritual, emotional, mental, social, physical labor to get to the point where I don’t even want to lie. I don’t want to hide. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to lash out. I just want to be happy. And I know a way I can be. It didn’t just fall in my life— I availed myself of it by choosing myself over and over again. 

I speak about my myriad abusers in different levels of anonymity depending on the situation thanks to my Scorpio stellium. I reference times in my life where there was abuse and what kind of abuse it was, but I am much less specific about the actual abuser these days. 

There are no pictures of any of my past paramours on my Instagram page. When I was much less mature and much more self-righteous, vague subtweets would go without name, and in general, I kept those who knew anything about my personal relations to a minimum (say, 2-3). Everything was need to know, and nobody needed to know names or personal details, rarely even gender. It was a lot of characterizing people as “this person”. This, I feel, stems from the trauma of having to protect and cover for my abusers. That’s an unnecessary courtesy to these people however I have found that it is only sometimes necessary to speak to specific abusers and forms of abuse. I also feel that if they didn’t want anyone to know, they shouldn’t have done it and survivors of their abuse don’t owe them anything, least of all anonymity. Does this mean I will start doxxing them? No. It does however mean that when it comes to my work, I will be as honest as is appropriate in any given situation.

It is important to understand that forgiveness underlies all of my ideologies because love, being unconditional, requires forgiveness. To be love, we must be willing to forgive transgressions. That does not mean that we open ourselves up to mistreatment over and over, because that’s unhealthy. It means accepting people for who they are, understanding that they are that way for whatever reason they are. It’s valid. We have no control over who they are. And moving on, taking care to protect ourselves from their sickness as best we can.

In my practice, I came to see others as mirrors. Often, I found, if something in another upset me, that was on me. Perhaps it reminded me of something I didn’t like about myself. Perhaps it was a blindspot of my person that I had missed. Or perhaps it was simply an opportunity to erect healthy boundaries around myself. Either way, their actions were reflections of them. My internal responses were reflective of me. And my choice in how I externally responded were solely on me.

People have done a lot of horrible things to me. Sometimes I still can’t put words to the things people have done to me — it still breaks my heart to name these things. But I accept that I had a part to play in those things — even if it’s sticking around in unhealthy situations and allowing myself to be mistreated for too long. Even if it’s holding onto the pain, anger, resentment, for too long. Even if it’s ignoring the pain and allowing it to grow out of control for too long. I still had a role to play. 

And yes, the why mattered. I had to figure out the root of my behaviors and patterns in order to rewrite my neural code. But once I got to the bottom of that, it no longer mattered so much why. All that mattered was what I did with that information. Did I continue to allow these patterns to play out, or did I step up and make a change, regardless of how frightening that was.

I talk about the year that I stopped drinking a lot, specifically Aries season of that year. I was going through a lot. I was starting to sober up and get clear on the reality of my life. I was in a horrible, dead end job that I hated because I was being exploited. I was so broke I couldn’t always afford food; conversely, I was “making too much money” to get state assistance. I was being sexually harassed by one of my roommates (who also happened to be someone I considered one of my best friends). I was divesting from an ex for the final time because he had physically harmed me. And I was really falling out of alignment with the friend group I was in. Mainly, I think none of us had an understanding of how to hold space for an alcoholic in the first few months of their recovery, but it was becoming increasingly evident that I had a different perception of the world than them. Either way, it was not working, and I didn’t feel supported or loved in any aspect of my life.

had this crazy idea that if I started being more honest in everything that I did, I would attract a life more aligned with my truth. I’d start getting what I wanted. Even though the idea of speaking up, advocating for myself, being honest about my needs or wants triggered childhood trauma that could feel paralyzing, I was willing to try. I was willing, as I had always been, to fight for my life. So I did. And it didn’t mean arguing with anyone per se — it simply meant telling the truth.

It sounds easier than it is. I sat in bed, crying at night at the thought of why it was so hard for me to just tell people how I felt. I had to mentally pull myself out of the paralysis of fear that my panic attacks manifest as to be able to communicate. I had to ground into my Truth and stand in it despite the fear I was feeling, and guess what — that’s where the courage is. That’s the only place the courage is. It’s not courageous to do things one has no fear of; it’s courageous to be scared sh*tless and do it anyway. And that’s what I did.

I lost a lot during that time. I lost a lot of relationships that I valued but not more than my peace. I lost ideas of people that were keeping me from realizing who they really were. I lost a lot of weight because I was so sad I couldn’t eat. I lost illusions that I thought were keeping me safe, and to be fair, they probably were when I developed them as a trauma response. But in March 2019, they were no longer doing so. I didn’t really know what I was doing; I was just doing the best I could with what I had, which is all any of us can do. It was a time of realizing a lot of heartbreak.

Getting sober on your own is really hard (I honestly wouldn’t really recommend it. Seek support if you can. It’s as easy as searching on Google). I don’t think I was really prepared for it despite evidently being ready for it. Nobody around me was ready for it, but I think that had I not been so full of the suppressed rage I’d pent up all those years of drinking and drugging, I probably would not have had the guts to tell people what I felt and stand in it. 

I didn’t back down. I didn’t take anything back. I was honest, really honest for probably the first time in my life. And it was terrifying. And exhilarating. And gut wrenching. And liberating. And I would not trade those experiences for the world. I was standing in my Power for the first time ever, and every single thing that has come to me since then has been because of that. And I can honestly say that my life is exponentially better, and exponentially more resonant with who I am because I live in that truth today.

It is not easy being an advocate for justice. It is not easy putting my character on the line. It’s terrifying to be so vulnerable, but for me, it is absolutely necessary. These things that I’ve said here are spiritual axioms I live by and they are those that pre-colonial societies lived by for millennia because they work. They’re real. 

And so now that I know all of these things, I must consider when something is going amiss in my life, what role did I play in that? How did I contribute to that? Perhaps it’s simply by being in a place that things that I don’t like take place. And I make sure I’m not there. Perhaps it’s simply by being around someone who regularly makes me feel unsafe. And I make sure I stay away from them. But I am super, super protective of my peace and my energy now, because I have to be. I have no choice, because I cannot and I will not go back to the low vibrational fight to survive that I called my life — not now, not ever.

What I want to make really clear is that, simply because I can acknowledge my role in situations and be accountable to them does not mean that I am a bad person. I have been insecure. That does not mean that I am characteristically an insecure person. I have been emotionally dishonest. That does not mean I am a liar. Having sometimes picked up on narcissistic tendencies in order to survive and protect myself from emotional abuse does not make me a narcissist. I have been guilty of this same fatalism, and I do not think that makes me a bad person. It simply makes me a human.

It is really hard— especially as a trauma survivor— to understand that people are not bad simply because they do bad things, but it is absolutely necessary to my peace and prosperity. For my energy to flow freely in the frequency of the Divine — which is unconditional love— I cannot harbor resentments, hatred, fear. I cannot make safe these maladaptive manifestations of my ego, which simply wants to protect me but has been fighting to keep me here since I was born. 

That’s what ego is, and that’s what folks forget. Ego is not something you can ever get rid of while you’re alive. You are born with it. It is your primal instinct to survive. To live. And it only thinks in the 3D. It only thinks in the tangible. It only sees in binaries. It is the ubermensch that stands in the 4D and gets a full perspective. It is the God Head that realizes that there is no binary, that the illusion of separation is just that — an illusion. It is the Brahmin — the one attuned to the Higher Self— utilizes the Heart to integrate all Truths as valid parts of the Whole. 

That is the majesty of human consciousness. To be able to transcend our primal nature and integrate all of our experience with compassion, love, and care. To understand despite ourselves that everyone is simply doing the best they can with what maladaptive tools they have been given. And we do have the Power to innovate as we Integrate.

That goes into the territory of Ancestral Healing— healing what we have inherited—, but I won’t go down that rabbit hole today. What I want to make clear is that, my character is not solely comprised of the maladaptive machinations of my ego trying to protect me. 

We are all insecure, dishonest, prideful, manipulative sometimes. And we all have some valid reason seeded deep down into the groundwork of who we are as to why we do those things, why we became that way. But what matters is, what are we doing with that information? Are we moving forward and doing better for ourselves and others? Or are we using that past as an excuse to continue causing more harm? Are we being accountable to our trauma by doing the work to heal? Or are we using it to shield ourselves from seeing the truth of our behavior? Because otherwise, the story behind it all is just exposition. 

Honoring who I am by understanding who I have been is an immensely powerful tool in my arsenal for Shadow Work and healing. One genuine expression of my life story is not my autobiography. One simple post about a facet of my character is not a wholesale assessment, analysis, or assassination. I am an infinite, ever expanding person, and for this reason, I am okay with the person I’ve been and sometimes still I am. 

Being vulnerable and honest may open us up to harsh criticisms and perhaps abuse, but it’s necessary to continue standing in that Power. People who leverage intimacy, vulnerability, and authenticity for their own nefarious means are cowards. They are simply jealous that other people are getting free and they’re still addicted to their chains. They’re addicted to the lies they tell themselves. They’re addicted to the illusion. They’re addicted to drama and violence. They’re addicted to insanity. Ultimately, they’re sick. And that’s really sad. And we don’t have to judge them for it, but we also do not need to give them any Power.  We do not need to give them any room in our lives to spread that sickness.

Being accountable doesn’t mean hanging my head in shame or hating myself forever. It doesn’t mean letting people walk all over me for having made mistakes in my past. It doesn’t mean taking on the entire situation as if I’m the only one who played a role.  I am loved unconditionally, which means that forgiveness by the Universe, by the Divine is my birthright. Once I stop my harmful behavior and atone for my transgressions, when I have cleared my debt, I am free. If others do not want to forgive, that’s on them. But I get to forgive myself and live without that burden on my heart anymore. 

What acknowledging these ways of being means for me is that I can identify them as trauma responses and go deeper to the root of the issue, where I can do what needs to be done to assuage whatever fear is arising from some perceived threat. 

I can now identify what is me versus my trauma; what is my truth versus my disease. And that’s empowering because when I can differentiate the two, I can make a choice between being one or the other. I have the agency to decide how I want to conduct my life. I have the authority to choose. Do I want to be the feral child that runs on primacy and fear, or do I want to be the healing, integrated adult who channels the Light of Spirit in everything they do as often as possible? I get to make that choice, which is the ultimate display of self sovereignty and possession. Nobody is making those decisions — I’m moving in the Light of Spirit. I’m moving into Peace, Love, Harmony, and Joy. And so it is.

END NOTE: 

Do note that weaponizing vulnerability against people is exactly what creates & encourages such trauma responses. It is also abuse. If you are someone who is characteristically abusive, I would recommend to you to seek help for yourself and refrain from attempting to criticize anyone else’s life.